IT'S BIGGS!

re-posted: 2:48 pm

i hate this feeling...

have you tried to be the man in between fires? it doesn't make you all feel good at the moment. you aren't even sure if you could be titled as the best soundboard of the day nor the peacemaker of the century. (hey no one's quarreling alright?) but then who could i be possibly be pinpointing at? haha, holy cow, no one. the central analyzer. hmm... sounds good.

i know i suck at times but sometimes you just can't help but to differ things from the past to present. a lot of things happened for the past two weeks now that is why all my rambled thoughts seem to affect some of the things that i do. no one is blamed for that. it is all happening by will, and who in the world could actually know what's going to happen next? though i have started to sleep late-r than the usual, i am still coping to my own confused self as well. to find the questions that has started to form in my mind that im actually not liking it. i am not the type of listening knick-knacks of other people and then complaining things when they're gone or when they are not looking at me... man, i have my own dilemmas too. yep, with the S.

you don't even know if it still feels good right down your nerves but chickenshit happens all the time too. you can't tell why these things has to happen. darn. so then... i felt sad when i read the lines as if it was a mistake of putting it up so much to me... maybe i was the person in between fires...and i just can't help but to cater what a realistic thing must be.

i know you are not fine and i am not that insensitive to that. i was there with you, wasn't i? but i am saying this again: i have my own probs too... things that maybe isn't but hell myself i am considering it like one. maybe i didn't get so much time posting for this entry last night because i fear mom would caught me playing til 3am... haha. all these ramshackled thoughts got the eyes of somebody. i am apologizing for that.

(this segment is editted due to some reactions. haha.)


deary, im not numb. i knew it was me, my friend. thank you you appreciated it. maybe one time let's switch places...

an excerpt from a certain anonymous story:

a lot of things happened--not that she wanted it to happen; but she hopes and she wishes people could be happier and happier just like taking an evening coffee break on a cold gloomy night. she wanted to tell him, all the things she knew, but in a while grasping for her inconvenient thoughts that might tear him apart, making him weary and blue. she wanted him to know, all the things she knew, but in a while desperately concluding herself not to-- considering what could it feels being all the means to revive somewhat important and true.

she wanted to tell him, all the things she knew, but in a while she backed off, and just sip her coffee...

she wanted to tell him, this tormenting truth, but not today, not now.


inumaga na naman ako! haha!

i am the gatekeeper!

"huh? may sakit ka, 'by?"

darn... i am sick. yes. i realized i felt and looked like ill when just yesterday, ate vangie, the owner of the mini convenience store few blocks away from our house told me those words. i gloomily confirmed it and luckily gave me the "fita" biscuits mom was craving for. man, it was really obvious. hay, what was so nice having a cold and a cough? my throat is damn itchy.(sneezes.) maybe santa is really coming to town... labo. >_< i have taken OTC (over the counter) medicines for the last three hours, yet i don't seem to notice any changes. waaa.... where's the tissue?!?! in other news... i just got... lucky? i love 1st semesters!!

huweee! that is my clearance sheet. yes pare!

after getting the clearance in ust, rayjohn and i went to our high school intramurals. it was fun, seeing old friends and teachers. nic, madie, joma, mim, glenda, alvin and jao were there too!

as usual, nic, my friend made our day with his gags and teacher bloopers during our days. it was really hilarious. i could cry laughing out loud! hahaha... maybe that's why my cold has gotten worse. yarrr... too bad i haven't got any picture to brag about a while ago but the teachers wanted us back for tomorrow since the intrams is a week-long event... they wanted us (or just nic--because he is so funny!) to come back tomorrow because they wanted to laugh more... oh i thought after getting my yearbook was the last day i'll be going to see Immaculate. but i was wrong... homecoming isn't bad though as i imagine.

maybe tomorrow i'll be bringing along my digi... camwhoring na naman ito! =))

the rain poured heavy but nothing beats last monday's experience. maybe that's why i got a cold right now...

time for me to rest! pray for me guys!

yes the bummer's life... that's what i have right now.

i have stopped playing pRO for a while because mom caught me. oh well... sayang x3!

i just got ended playing pRO again. it was quite fun, being me, going all back to basics... the bad point there though is that you are as weak as a Willow. hehehe. (willow naman kesa poring!)

also, because i am down to zero, i don't even have money to buy arrows. yep, my 1st character is an archer. and i hope before the x3 exp ends i am 60-70% no weak at all. haha. in my dreams.

i just got so damned by someone. and the internet's a whole bum... if it wasn't for it then maybe i am in the lvel of 20's now. forgive me i am just too slow...

playing in Thor is half fun, and irritating. i assure you that.

i am even planning to rent tomorrow even for at least 2 hours. haha. goodluck.

this day i have felt to be alone... let's just call it "soul searching."

i stroll the mall, walk alone, window shop alone. its not that i am not used to it, but really; its been a long time eversince i have done such crazy act of being myself, walking nowhere at 7:30 pm in the paths of Roxas, Taft, Ortigas and Shaw. to head for home or not, its none of my business.

i was still in desperate of finding a pRO EP13 Installer but unfortunately it came too late for me because it was just yesterday that it became so phenomenal. certified out of stock. I was in the Megamall, searching for my lost, inconvenient self until i got hungry... i realized i haven't eaten anything yet; nor breakfast and lunch... so i ordered a lasagna meal in Greenwich.. sipped my tea, stared in space, waited for my meal, ate alone, stared blankly at couples eating the same kind i have, and in a while staring an empty chair in front of me...

now i realized that it was really sad to be alone. but on the other hand its as if making you somewhat independent and wise... in the MRT you could feel no one cares for you, like they wanted to ride and head home immediately so they push for passengers to go inside. i felt helpless.. and somewhat gaining patience.

you see, this isn't the first time i have encountered the feeling, but it seems that my mind and my heart was telling me that it really makes me feel incomplete... and lost... and shit. as if you are really meant to be alone and just ignore the hard feeling.

in the end? i haven't got any Installer... i even haven't searched my soul.

man, reverse me.

i stare blankly in front of my monitor, gasping for thoughts and ideas that would pop up in my mind so that i may be able to start a new story plot. yes, this sembreak i wanted to accomplish at least one fanfic that has been rotating in my head for years. madie said the plot was good but i myself wanted it more clearly and be explained more... and more...

i wanted to apologize to beng for my hideous act last monday. i know ive become selfish, but at times i think this would be my last sort of recalling the bitterness my mom did. the previous post isn't you guys anyway... don't worry.. and why you should be. just let me be.

also, i am planning to sign up for a private blog. yep... maybe mong was right. i can't express myself that freey anymore. maybe my blog exposure was good no more.

i guess that will going to be my way in tiring myself over thinking useless stuff. i never hid the truth that my start of sembreak is as bad as spoled milk, and so more of the next days waiting for me. i just hope tomorrow would be great. its my two cousin's birthday---evelyn and irene. and as always, this date is the last day of the exhibit where ate belen is into, world trade center in roxas. im going to take a look. unfortunately, madie---on to the last minute---wasn't allowed by her dad. hay... i couldn't find anyone who wants to come, not even whoever is in your mind right now.

give me a break. i won't spill the beans this time. wish me luck.

i'm ill.

i have read one post from a 'friend'--if that he/she wants me/ or us to call him/her... and as i go thru the comments, i was fu**ingly so mad with it. i DID NOT LIKE IT NOR THE SOUND OF IT, ESP THE COMMENTATORS... yes, if you could see me right now i am tapping the floor with my foot to control my anger. i couldn't imagine--that there are a lot of fake people in this world...

i duuno if he/she was worth calling to be a friend, i really absolulety have no idea that all this time he/she had been thinking to our colleague that way. i was so mad. i wasn't wrong with my suspections... darn, i should have known earlier... i just hope not all of them are the same...

darn it.. nag-iba pagtingin ko sa kanila... i wanna scream... yell at their faces:
ANG PA-PLAAAAAAAASTIC NYO!!!!!!!!

oooohh gawd. and you reader, don't you dare talk about this entry i have ever again, oh please...

i just got enthralled with some stories of love... one-sided love.

i remember the good-tormenting old days of me, having one.

mine isn't that exquisitely known as a heroic act of love; umm maybe a puppy, young or so... but i must say it has been one of my unforgettalbe experience in my almost two-decade of existence. hehe... the fact that i am that young back then.

have you gone to that feeling? you always feel the love you have always dream of, but it just so happened that you and you all alone feel it... because you have to. and because you need not want to tell it to.

during that time of my life i felt so regretful of not telling to someone i like what i feel. it is because he can never know and feel what i am going through, as i hid my feelings and eventually will take me years to protect it. (mine took me more than five years without anyone knowing it) ...the feeling of being contented of you, just being his or her friend and nothing else more, was painful at the same time. so very painful...

why? well, you could have venture something nicer than what you and that special someone are right now if there hasn't any 'another' person will come into your lives. you could have been happier without worrying anything nor anyone... and lastly, you won't be hurting another individual's feelings... all these would mean risks. yep, with the 's'.

however, there are times that i don't feel regretful at all that i didn't tell my special someone in the past that i had fallen for him. it is because i am the type of person that considers and values what is actually more important than anything else for that span of time, us being together. none other than friendship...


whew... even though he, is now just ranked as my ultimate crush, i can't stop thinking what will he and i become if those circumstances happen? silly... i just hope he is fine and well, though he's so far away from me now, in the U.S. ...

i am saying and recalling these thoughts not because i am trying to show to somebody to make a a move (but it turns out it looks more like of it) to tell his or her feelings... you see, as what my first introductory line, i am enthralled with some stories of one-sided love... because i myself once got into it. whoa... afterall, this is a free express-your-feelings journal entry. haha, don't get me wrong, i am happy with my life now....


all my rebellic acts of my hunger strike and mute self was over... arrrgh.. i guess i was just too addicted with this anime watching thing... but overall, i am glad...

to you: thanks. i hope you learn though little from my not-so-good stories... thanks for trusting me. take care. ^_^

its been a while.

all things in school are done, since yesterday was the final day for final examinations. my friends decided to have an outing two days ago, and the fact that the day we are supposed to be together is today, here am i, typing these lines in front of my computer... in my house.

mom didn't allow me to join, though i beg a lot, cry a lot, and assure her a lot that it is going to be okay. yep, i did cry a lot; knowing that this is the first time i would be perhaps in this sort of things. whenever i recall what i did pleading so much, i grow so sad. it made me feel so helpless, even though it is only an outing. whenever i think of it, i sobbed quietly... even now.

well you see, i have observed that i have never felt so supported emotionally by my folks here, eversince i entered college. its as if mentally they were telling me and blaming me why i chose this course. i have never felt my brother to be proud of me. never in my life.

i know, things got so cruel since all of the day's expense day by day, add my tuition fees and other stuff for example. i don't know if i have cleared all my courses last semester, but i do hope so much that i did. so that they would not scold me so much then...

about the outing, i always consider that they always care for me that is why they don't allow me to come. but that's not the issue anymore... since they don't support me emotionally, i have never been felt so this before... i am not trusted... like i will give total humiliation to the family. it hurts though... really hurts.

so then. i try to ease the pain by watching anime series emman gave me. and i am still counting for his compilation set though. i don't care if i cause trouble the whole day by not helping them with the chores. this is what they want. they don't want me to be happy, even for just once. just once. i don't care if mom would not talk to me that much. i don't blame her for being so overprotective... but i hope she does not blame me for being a childish, immature rebel just this very once...

i need to be alone.

i feel lazy. i don't know what made me feel happy this week but one thing's for sure: hell sem will be definitely be over, 2 days from now. geeee!


also, our 'kada is planning to have an outing that will serve as our celebration for accomplishing all of the necessary requirements for this sem. and luckily eyns told me that it will be going to be free of charge: meaning all we got to problem about is the transpo and the food! yey!

i just hope mom would be absolutely "in" for that... anyway it is a celebration!

man, why do we have to study even the basics of electical layouting? haha, im just getting too bratty... and bitchy.


i am in the spirit of sem break! i am lazzzzzzyyyyy!!

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

when i got home last night i went straight to my bed without eating nor changing my clothes (yuck) because of sleepyness and stress. i just wanted to thank my mom for letting me pass my dinner and for just offering me a milk instead. maybe she knows i got so tired of everything. thanks mama. love ya lots!

from now on, i'll bring back something i left in my high school life... something i thought i would not be looking back forever, but hello; since somebody is also making me feel that i should do it, then so be it. just pray for me that i can do this because i hate seeing myself doing it on purpose.

and hey, its not for you to know.

Your Stress Level is: 72%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now. Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out. Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only wa you'll get through the bad times.

You Are A Romantic Realist

You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance. Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know. And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball... But you'd never admit it to your friends!

haha.. ewan.

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

oooh! hehehe!

You Are 62% Vain

You're a little vain, but you also work hard for your good looks. Just remember, everyone knows you are a total hottie. You don't have to remind them.

waw! hehehe! how can this be so true? hahahaa! i am a hottie!

Your Learning Style: Expressive and Tenacious

You love to learn about new cultures, ideas, and theories. You Should Study: Anthropology Counseling Education Ethnic Studies Foreign Languages and Literature History Literature Music Philosophy Eastern Religion

how come there's no field of Architecture here?!!? gee! anthropology amp! =)) >_<

whew! 2days of no classes didn't gave so much help. because of the blackout i haven't got any school work to do, not even a single history plate nor a design plate. not even a ray of sunshine didn't make me feel better. i am so doomed on those days.

and then you found out one saturday morning that there's still no classes? i woke up as early as 5:30 in order for me not to be late and all you have to came is a closed door of our building. gee. so then i decided to just proceed and spent one night again at marynor's house in navotas on that same day to do our design plate, but then we just did a little portion of it. vanity attacks and a sudden blackout. too bad.

haha you won't see those pictures, ever!

and just a while ago before everything else, i went to mass before meeting albert and emman in sm manila. albert told me his parents were there too all along and yet i haven't got the chance on meeting them. such my bad luck. moving on, emman had a car so it was easy for us to go at the Ragnarok Philippine Championships 2006 at the World Trade Center in Roxas Blvd. its been a year eversince i got there. haha. i still managed to see and explore this year's event despite of me having a big bag from my sleep over. hehe.

anyway about the convention, i must say the previous convention was more lively and fun than the current. its as if in before, pRO was the sole hit online game rather than pROSE nor RF, not even FreeStyle (which was just introduced just june of last year, in the 2005 convention)--but now, the tournament wasn't solely for pRO. also, the Cosplayers were lessen than last year. The guys told me that the only goodies in this event was that girls were sexier than the previous. (if only i have a blacksmith hammer to poke on albert's head i would. psst its a secret! haha joke XD)

daryl met us there, along with her bro and her cousin. i just hope they had real fun after we left them. sorry about that again, dar... i wanna see pics from ur cp. (pics of iya!) haha. and thank you for coming along, although i know for sure we haven't talk that really much--i dunno why---and this is so unusual! thanks for accompanying me in the restroom. namiss kita oy. and btw, tumaba ka.^_^.

we left the convention by 1pm, riding on emman's car. and at last i finally got the chance on getting my feet to the grounds of SM Mall of Asia! hehe! although true rumors still on the dropped ceiling incident and rusting foundation, who cares? haha. we just got a lil annoyed with some parking slots though.

emman treated us at Sbarro. such a tasty and yumy white pizza! thanks for recommending it. too bad we're almost close in watching a film in IMAX. so bad so reaaaally truly sad. but i still believe there would be next time! if and only if MOA is still standing hehe! *cross fingers!* btw he also treated us at Starbucks. thanks again for my venti mocha frap. loove it!

i really wanted to thank these guys for today and tonight. this section is yours.

to marynor and to all the lopez clan - thanks so much for the warm acceptance, for the 3 meals i had, the shower and the whole home to spend the night with. thank you very very much. spice (marynor's dog - but humanely in action as what she insists!) hehe! arf arf arf hahahaha! rock on! \m/ just don't bite me hehe.

to daryl and her kiddie buds - thanks too! dar, thanks for pushing through with emman's invite. i am the one thanking you for this. tell giov there could be next time for us to meet. there has.

to my AR blockmates mong, gabo, tin and eden - thanks for the warm invite to conference although i got really insane with your game plans and stuff. hehehe! gabo and mong thanks for the infos about the deadlines...