One life's lesson that I have learned today is that, sometimes, you cannot have it all.
Well, at the time that you want it so bad.
I've received a lot of comforting words since yesterday. I didn't bother looked at the results as of the moment because I knew that there's a chance that I will not make it. Some didn't bother giving me any congratulatory comments anymore and were too hesitant to give me a message, thinking non-offensive, hurtful words. Some took the courage to make me happy by giving out encouraging words to take this crap again five months after, which I deliberately decided upon as soon as I found out that I didn't pass the national examinations. That's the protocol. That's the default "Plan B".
I am okay with it at first, and then after a few hours, the realization starts to kick in. Along with the everyday noise and air pollution of the city, I felt I have also absorbed the negative aura as well. I was disappointed at myself, I was disappointed because I didn't follow my instincts and did not take the other route of possibility. I don't know who in the effin' world started this trend in the Philippines that you'll be playing the "almighty" professional once you passed the licensure examinations. I don't see the true glory in it. But then, I probably just felt disappointed and envious again with my batchmates who made it to pass. They looked "glorified" as expected, while I'm here sulking in immense sadness, which is by the way, normally (and obviously) understandable.
Of course. I am really, really sad right now.
Failing for me at this point means letting down all the people you think helped you take the journey. Failing means you didn't do well enough. Failing means you need to repeat the annoying process of the local government's filing procedures. Failure is equal to being carelessly dumb. Failing means a failed person.
Failing wasn't an option but it happened in a way that I have to swallow all the face I am always putting on.
All these negativities must be flushed out to some out-of-the-reach dimension and never claim it again.
But then, on second thought, I realized that I don't need to dwell on this for a long time. And yes! It's so much easier said than done. Boom! I just felt the same scenario when I was taking my thesis and dropped it. I don't want to feel like a coward but that's what I'm exactly feeling right now. I am afraid of taking chances for another fight since it made me go back the same feeling. I don't want to blame and point fingers to anyone, it's all on me. But it really hurts. It really hurts.
One thing's for sure. I may fail right now but I don't and will never blame God for it. I still thank and glorify Him for bringing out the best in me, and for giving me the opportunity to take part and experience everything for the first time. I thank Him for letting me analyze what's right and wrong, the second time I have decided that I'll take it. I'll thank Him in advance for the second chance five months from now and I'll be happier if He can give the chance for me to take it again this year.
2014 would remain as a tough year and challenge that I need to overcome in my social and personal career. I have so many things going on my hand right now and God just made me realize that I can't be a superhero. I need a break, I need to cry, I need to set my priorities one by one with extra care. I'll claim it on the time God wants me to grab it permanently and confidently.
Thank you, Lord, for making me feel that I'm just an ordinary human being.
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