Prisoner of Envy

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

I cannot accept it. Don't get me wrong--- I understand it, but ironically I cannot accept it.

I am still sourgraping at the thought of WHY he thinks the other way around than I do. I shouldn't be saying this but I can't really stand the reason/s he handed over to me even though I can understand it. Partially, it never came to an assumption that what this person is lacking, can be the root cause of the dilemma right now.

Again, don't get me wrong. I'm always rooting for his happiness. I know he doesn't intend to say his true feelings but I really find the whole explanation unfair. I am always grateful and excited whenever we try to set a vacation for everyone, only to find out in the end that he will decline the setup. What irks me is that he finds more pleasure going out with our friends back home, and he even tried to check if everyone is free when he goes back to unwind. Then? What happened to the time and effort we are planning to set here with him?

Day by day, it's like I feel a bit jealous seeing him motivated and happy to go home in Pinas because he will see the rest of the gang. I have to admit that I get annoyed with his unintentional (perhaps) notes of excitement. I shouldn't be but whenever I think of him taking us for granted for our efforts, my two eyebrows start to meet.

Then it came to a point that he confessed. He is envious. He is envious to see me and Albert getting stronger, that he can finally assess that we'll end up marching on the aisle and citing vows on the church. He's happy for us, that's for sure, but he admitted that he is locked up with envy and jealousy. That is why he told me to let him be alone. We can restart the plan without him because the reason he can't be happy because we will br there. Deep agony that is. And he cannot stand seeing us happy, basically.

When he told me that, I was there, sitting beside him... sighing and quietly contemplating why did he come to this kind of mentality... Even if we have never intended to hurt him emotionally, it's a totally mixed feeling of frustration and... somehow guilt on my part. Even Albert can't do anything about this. :(

Damn. I love this friend of mine, so much that I feel I am forever indebted to him for showing unconditional kindness... I always pray that he must get what he will be surely make his entire purpose on earth worth living for. I am entirely supportive to all his endeavors, and wishing all the best for him. But I guess, praying and wishing is not just enough. Time is running out and despair has already started to cloud his heart...

He has found the key of new hope to the lock of his cell... But I guess, reality sucks... That some other prisoner got the duplicate to unlock their's...

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