i suddenly have just created a lop-sided smile upon thinking of the word. a part of me was in hell indeed, agreeing that it was all right. i have the 'calling'.

we had this forum last friday with all other 'servant leaders' at the education bldg auditorium. i learned a lot from it cause they invited a very good and wacky speaker, and no doubt, the way she tell things DO struck me. i had this issues on myself regarding on this instant position i got for the past three months, and silly as it is sounded, i still consider it as one. drama eh no... still, i wanted to redeem myself as i post this entry... and hey... i already set myself free to all the incoming comments, critiques, whatsoever... i don't care anymore.

getting serious. i realized, i was this being the helpful dude ever since i-don't-know-when. for sure you also had this feeling of helping others in need automatically and even if its just a little, you have to admit you do. well mine's more like, i always wanna help. i always wanna give, to make people satisfy in life has to offer however i was so limited doing it to the point of making me look like i always want to get the attention of everyone, or like all that i do was plain showing off but in fact i just wanted to give a hand. in short, i was merely like, wanting to please everybody...

now? like in my past entries, that statement turned out to be a question. do i really have to please everybody?

then there enters the forum. it made me think that the newst question revolving on my head is not covering the entire mass i have to please. not all has this eye on you all the time. still, when i thought about the word 'service', my mind drifts to my beliefs, to what things i used to like to do, and to what i am currently feeling amidst the experience being the servant. Ma'am Cabral told us, "its like you die one thousand and one times in serving others." yes, all these things would help me to grow as a person. i really wanted to help, to serve... to be a servant. but i can't help getting tired because afterall, i am still a normal individual like you and everyone else around. getting into the dramachine eh? haha, you may think its exaggerating, but i now i feel like i really need the help of Someone. or even maybe adding everyone...

subconciously, i am passing myself into the conclusion that i want to serve. maybe that part of me was right. maybe, i need to improve myself more... to change what makes me so deep down and depressed and unworthy to the calling...and maybe, another set of questions again spinning in my head will be equalled with the appropriate answers at the right time...

man, dramachine talaga. i think i need to submit my thoughts to dreamland once more...